Welcome to the first episode of the new but not improved Brilliant or Stupid, where we freely give away brilliant ideas to change the world and you use the comments section to call us stupid idiots.
In this episode (sponsored by Tony, who will smash your kneecaps if you don’t listen) we propose a television station just for cats (and the crazy cat ladies who love them); emergency toilets in elevators, cars, and planes; and sex education for teenagers who cannot find a partner who does any of the stuff on internet porn sites, but just lies there and makes you do all the work.
And don’t miss the comic relief of Gerry, the world’s best bigfoot comic!
If your eyes are bothering you, just listen to the file below. And then go to iTunes and subscribe to our podcast.
Unless you’re a fat teenager or depressed divorcee you’re probably sick of eating the garbage that passes for “meat” at the fast food joints. This is why veggie “burgers” are such a growing industry. Well, growing only in the petri-dish sense, not economically because so many have fallen off the menus.
Why haven’t the fast food joints ever figured this out? Back in the ’90s they tried all sorts of non-meat options but they all had the same flaw. They assumed that anyone who wants to eat a veggie-burger must be an anorexic yoga teacher so they tried to force-feed us a monstrosity served on a hard, dry whole-wheat bun with low-fat mayo, no cheese and piles of cold, wet, wilting veggies. Tastes like shit.
Why can’t those crap-food joint just replace the meat patty with a veggie patty but keep all the flavourful extras the way they are? That way a Big Mac would be just as sloppy but you wouldn’t be eating diseased cow flesh. And a Whopper would still be overloaded with ketchup and mayo but you wouldn’t have to eat any cow eyeballs and knees cartilage.
Honestly, it shouldn’t be that difficult to have a tasty veggie burger that does not have gay sprouts! If the pizza companies can squirt soft cheese into the crust of pizzas (because evidently there’s a surging demand from pizza lovers to do something once and for all about that wasted space that is the crust of a pizza!), and if food companies actually have something called a ‘flavour enhancer’ on the list of ingredients, then surely a decent veggie burger can’t outwit the brainiacs who thought up cheeseburger in a can (Yes, it exists … incidentally so do the Kardashians so there’s two reasons proving God does not exist).
You can give a Useless Dad like Ned the chance to raise a healthy and happy child for just $35 per month.. OK $20… make it $10… why don’t you just tell us how much you’ve got?
Introduction letter from Useless Dad #3895: Ned from Canada
Hi. My name is Ned and this is Ella. Please hep me and my little girl. I ain’t got no money no job and guvment check. We live in a tent but it gets cold. The wild dogs harass us in da night and steal our eggs. My little girl has been wearing same diper for 6 weeks. She startin’ to smell bad. No wait, dat’s me! MY thanks to Gina for the last donation of tweny bucks. I appreshiate your jenerosity. But I spent it all on beer and smokes. Can I have more pleas? I knew I shoulda went to college…Bye bye.
WHAT MAKES A DAD USELESS?
They forget birthdays. They yell at postmen. They harass ducks. And most importantly they think society owes them everything.
With your help the Committee to Reform Useless Dads (CRUD) is able to aid these losers. With your generous donations and sponsorships, we have been able to assist Useless Dads with the following: Jobs: Many Useless Dads spend all day drinking and then call into right-wing radio talk shows. Others prefer scaring people in parks. CRUD successfully retrains them by making them pick up our trash, paint our fences, and hide in the bushes when we have a dinner party. ?
Education: Many of our Useless Dads can’t spell worth a damn. But thanks to CRUD many of them now know a pencil from a pretzel. Some write shopping lists. Others have filled out credit card forms, several at a time in fact.
Child care: Useless Dads never get this. They let their babies fester in soiled diapers until someone else comes along and does the job for them. Thanks to CRUD and your support, many have vowed never to have children again.
USELESS DADS FAQ How does one become a Useless Dad? Is there a future in being a Useless Dad?
Being a Useless Dad takes no effort. In fact, that is the quickest way to being one – just don’t do shit. No, there is no future in being a Useless Dad, unless you want a career in traveling carnivals clearing out horse dung.
In what season do Useless Dads usually succumb??
Summer is worst. They can’t handle driving in the heat because they were too cheap to buy a car with AC. This is when shouting occurs the most.
My daddy used a knife to chisel away at ice in the freezer and he punctured it. Now we need to buy a new one. Is my dad Useless??
No, he is just dim. To be truly Useless he would have left the freezer in a 7-Eleven parking lot and put the food in a wheelbarrow. There is still hope for him. Use the parental control on your TV remote to hide Fox News.
People are suckers for the latest exercise craze (yesterday it was the yoga ball, today it’s the ab chair — what’s next, the yoga twig?!) Yet everyone is cashing in on it except us.
Next week some city out there is going to yank out all the seats in a bus and replace them with yoga matts. “Why sit there doing nothing, when you can exercise your way to work/school/bank machine,” they’ll say, while jacking up the price of a bus fare. Regular bus, $2.75. Yoga Bus $22.95.
Well, we’re not one for being left behind trends (we got rid of our acid wash jeans way before anyone else did!) BrilliantOrStupid.com is proud to present the Fat-loss Spatula. This state-of-the-art ergonomically designed kitchen tool, specially engineered by people wearing white suits and talking formally, has been ‘proven’ to help you lose weight.
It’s also good for colonic irrigations too! Only $54.99 plus taxes, shipping and other fees. Buy one today! Buy two and we promise not to display any more pictures of fat men on this blog. [Editor’s Note: hey, fat men are our best customers, can you retract that statement?]
10 years ago, a poor starving child in India decided to end the cycle of poverty for his family by learning to program computers. Inevitably, he discovered that hacking websites was a great way to blackmail companies for fun and profit. Last year, he approached Brilliant or Stupid? with an idea that we couldn’t afford to refuse. Or, at least, we couldn’t afford.
Instead of paying Rajneesh $50,000 US dollars, we watched our website and podcast evaporate into a pile of digital debris. At first, we were devastated. But after a few weeks we realized that nobody cared, so we just drowned our sorrow with alcohol and pretended it didn’t bother us.
But, damn it, we miss spewing out our ridiculous ideas, and we still believe that someday somebody will listen to our podcast! Yes, we are now going to reboot Brilliant or Stupid? and this is the first idea that you can vote on. Is this a good idea? Or a complete waste of time?
We’ve asked Rajneesh to build us a plugin that will allow you to vote thumbs up or thumbs down on our ideas. For now, let us know in the comments below.