What’s the deal with the Olympics? Do we really need dozens of events to figure out which nation rules? Before the invention of television warring tribes would settle their differences with a one-day game of fiery dodgeball. That was it. After they cleared the grounds and buried the dead, they went on with their daily lives of hunting, gathering and witchhunting. You never saw a warrior chief challenged to a ping-pong match.
But now companies are so eager to cash in on sport that they invent new ones all the time. How else do you explain curling, water polo, badminton and Celebrity Apprentice?
The other problem is the weather. If you’re an elite athlete you train for four years just so you can suffer heat exhaustion in some smoggy hotspot or freeze your ass off on some icefield somewhere. Why not combine the summer and winter Olympics — call it the Wimmer Olympics — and hold it in during the mild days of spring? That way all the sports can be combined into fewer, but yet more exciting events. Plus, we would only have to suffer through the emasculating exercise of watching gorgeous buff athletes highlight the fact that we are useless slobs to our wives/girlfriends only once every four years.
Best of all, it’d give us a break from sport and give us time to read a book for once. Oh, who are we kidding — you’d just use that free time to surf for ever more deviant porn. Hmmm… Deviant Porn Surfing, now there’s a Wimmer Olympic event we’ve got a shot in. Bring it on, Estonia!