The World Coffee Council has warned people have too many choices for hot caffeinated beverages.
“Our menu boards are at capacity,” said a board member. “We need more funding from governments to build larger menu boards or we will have to cut certain drinks.”
“Innovation is vital to us,” said one barrista stroking his goatee. “Only 20 years ago consumers had two choices: regular and decaf. Now we have new ones being invented all the time by Starbucks headquarters and they all cost more too.”
“We are opening a second location next door just to house the menu,” he added in between passing out flyers for his band’s latest gig. “You’ll go next door, figure out what you want to order, then come in and order. Also, we are implementing a new express line for drinks with 9 adjectives or less. We are currently doing market research on whether hyphenated coffee-adjectives (we call them “cafectives”) will count as one or two in the express lane. So, does a tall wet double extra-hot latte in a grande cup squeeze in to the express line or not? I can’t answer that. Seriously, I can’t — it says so in my employee manual.”
Meanwhile, a global consortium of tea barons have called for limits on fancy coffee drinks’ names with a proposed “cap and trade” system whereby each consumer is allowed to order a drink with up to 5 words for the regular price but will have to give to poorer nations without Starbucks for extra options such as syrups and whip cream.