Quit coddling wild animals — bring back zoos!

starbuckszooMost people love animals – either baked, deep-fried, or turned into a fancy coat. But their interest wanes if that animal is not dead or endangered.

That’s why zoos are going extinct.

Parents don’t bring their kids to zoos anymore because they worry about little things like animal welfare and masturbating primates.

And kids don’t care about animals unless they can stomp on their heads in a video game. It’s an unproven fact that cat neglect rose 3% right after Halo came out.

So here’s the plan to bring back zoos.

First, kids today need some pizzazz. A lightshow by the lion cage and an all-zebra Abba tribute band are a good start. Free spitting and farting lessons at the giraffe cages at 2 and 4 p.m.

For the teens and cynical young adults, we will create an urban zoo where clever hipsters can gaze in an ironic manner upon the animals on each others’ t-shirts.

Finally, for everyone over the age of 30, how about a gated community for animals where the creatures can live amongst us in tiny bachelor flats – like a modern day Noah’s Ark, two per room of every kind. Ideally with soundproof and stenchproof walls.