Ma’am, may I see your licence to live?

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School doesn’t teach real life skills, so how do you know if the person in the next cubicle is capable of making microwave popcorn without burning down the kitchen?

You don’t, obviously. In fact, if you’re about to hire new staff make sure they can perform this vital office function.

But we digress: the point of this pointless podcast is that people should be forced to prove that anyone old enough to be entrusted with a set of keys can perform simple day-to-day tasks before they are allowed out in public.

While those dynamic go-getters at the motor vehicle branch are quizzing people eager to get their driver’s license, why not spend an extra 20 minutes and make the public perform some other stupid human tricks?

THE BRILLIANT OR STUPID “LICENSE TO ENGAGE OTHER HUMANS” TEST INCLUDES THESE VITAL SKILLS:

  • Can you drink more than 2 beers without arguing with the cat?
  • Can you talk on your phone at a decibel level lower than a slightly-deaf Chinese lady?
  • Can you hold a conversation about anything other than the latest reality TV show?
  • Can you wait more than 1.7 seconds after the light has turned green before you slam your foot down on the pedal and start screaming hysterically?
  • Can you clean up your dog’s shit? Yes, we know the sidewalk is technically city property but the fumes are annoying the hospital patients.

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