Just in the St Nick of time (geddit?!) is Gerry’s the bigfoot’s Christmas special! We apologize in advance for everything including using a shitty camera. Happy holidays stupid humans!
ps: dolphins suck!
Just in the St Nick of time (geddit?!) is Gerry’s the bigfoot’s Christmas special! We apologize in advance for everything including using a shitty camera. Happy holidays stupid humans!
ps: dolphins suck!
Mothers Against Drunk Websites is warning parents of the dangers of young websites to the effects of alcohol and drugs, including ‘marijuana’, which is a gateway drug to shooting shoe polish and sniffing curry powder. Below you can see examples of how websites behave even after one glass of beer, and so on. Viewer discretion is advised.
This image is how a young website sober as the lord intended…
After a couple of beers and some ‘tokes’ of weed…
After a bottle of Jack and a few lines of cocaine or a bit of crack just to take the edge off….
After an evening spent on the curb shooting up smack and blowing anything that goes by …. NEVER GET YOUR TREATS FROM THE JUNKIE IN THE ALLEY!!! CUZ YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE BUT THIS SHIT IS BOTH SCARY AND MAKING YOUR SKIN CRAWL!!!! AND WHY DO I WANT TO SET FIRE TO EVERYTHING. AACCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!
A group of cheeky orangutans has won the 18th season of Big Brother Zoo edition against their human cousins. The orangutans beat Team Hygiene on all tasks including gossiping, throwing temper tantrums, and having sex in the backyard.
“Ooh-ooh! Orangutan win!, Orangutan win Big Brother! Ahh-ooh!” exclaimed Koko ‘the Monkey’ Chanel. “We beat humans, says TV lady in shiny suit. She say orangutan team won jump-jump contest! And we good-good on finger paints and singing Christmas hymn sing song.”
Executive producer Liz McMuffin made the hasty announcement: “The orangutans won the Big Brother Zoo edition … Please do not touch me … No, I don’t want a banana. No that is my hair. Please, stop. Stop. Stop! FRED, GET THE HOSE!”
Network executives at ABC (the Ape Banana Co-operative) announced the next edition of Big Brother Zoo will begin shooting as soon as they can find enough humans willing to endure the feces throwing that has become the signature move of Team Primate. Word is Lady Gaga is eager to compete. “I’ll just take their crap and make a new outfit out of it,” she told herself in the mirror.
The Dinosaur Defence League is crying foul over another airing of a dinosaur documentary that the group claims only showed the extinct creatures in a negative light.
“Last night’s episode of Dinosaurs Behaving Normally’ was racist and discriminatory. Why is it every time I turn on the TV to watch a dinosaur documentary the graceful triceratops is always shown jabbing its horns at another dinosaur? It’s typical media sensationalism!” said Terry Dacktyl, president of the Dinosaur Defence League.
“TV never shows the positive side of dinosaurs, like how they loved, laughed, cried together, and farted in each other’s faces.”
The TV network responded: “The documentary in question was screened prior to airing by our anti-discrimination committee, which concluded it was a fair and accurate assessment of dinosaur culture, especially given that the program included examples of dinosaurs being active in their communities.”
The DDL’s Terry Dacktyl said he fears people will always unfairly view dinosaurs as violent: “Sharks have killed more people than dinosaurs ever have. That’s a fact!”
Do ferocious beasts make good pets? It’s human nature to force another species to submit to our will purely for our enjoyment (how else do we explain internet clips of cats crapping in toilets?). But most wild animals would, if asked using the closest language to the animal kingdom we have which is Ewok bibble-babble, be shocked that you’d yank them out of the wild.
Actually, shocked isn’t strong enough a word: think Cujo on crack. Now give him a reason to go after your nuts. There. Got that mental image? Good, now you have a sense of how angry these animals must feel when they get trapped and sold for our amusement. No wonder then that some fight back against their two-legged masters, as was the case recently in Ontario when a man’s pet tiger mauled him to death. (Editor’s note: See, Canada’s not so boring.)
So why do it? Is it simply because we love the feeling of caressing a bit of soft fur? (Editor’s note: Steady…)Probably not because many people own snakes, lizards and shellfish as pets and evolution has clearly not caught up with them yet so the cuteness factor is only part of the reason.
If you have a pet tiger, elephant or Inuit are you just showing off? Or maybe some people get off doing dangerous things. That’s quite possible but then how many of those same people go parachuting, sumo wrestling or engage in bar fights with husky transvestites named Corky? We bet most don’t. In fact, most wild animals are kept in secure pens anyway, so it’s not like you could take a lion to your cafe, or throw a stick in a park and tell him to fetch it — and we know why, because he’d come back belching from devouring your neighbour’s purebred shitzu.
The short answer is these wild animals are trouble: they can’t be toilet trained, they’ll cut you to pieces if you feed them anything less than osso bucco and really, who’d want to face the prospect of being mauled when it comes time to take out an agitated beast’s litterbox?
Don’t let stupid Hollywood disaster films be the only ones cashing in on the hysteria about the world ending. Here’s an idea: Noah’s Ark with seating for 10,000 for $1,000 per head? Or an underground city that can support 100,000 for only $100 per person. Beautiful people will get preferential treatment, of course. (Editor’s note: Hey wait, where does that leave us?)
Kids have it way too easy these days. Their moms drive them to school. They get to cheeseburgers and free porn is available on every computer — honestly, they have no idea how hard it is to sneak off with your dad’s Playboy! They’re spoilt rotten.
So how are we going to nip their sense of entitlement in the bud? Maybe instead of giving in to demands for a summer vacation at Disneyland we should send them somewhere to teach them some appreciation.
That’s why we need Dangerland: a replica of the the suburbs, circa 1979, where you can ride your bike in traffic without a helmet; perform dangerous errands like cleaning a neighbour’s gutters for a tepid glass of lemonade; try to outrun gangs of older kids on 10 speeds who beat the snot out of you; where the only thing ‘organic’ is the boogers in the processed cheeseburger; and you get beaten or hit on by your drunk teachers (depending on if you’re a boy or a girl). Ah, the good ol’ days…
Thanks to the National Rifle Association’s commitment to upholding the right of every American child to own a water gun, the US military has noticed a dramatic improvement in kids’ target shooting practice. The military now plans to recruit kids who are a good shot. Said one general: “Before they used to whine like little babies, but now they’re acting exactly the way you’d expect violent six-year-olds to behave.”
A man who once complained of too many toppings on pizzas has turned his attention to the interland. Jeremy Fullstop says today’s websites have too many hyperlinks to other websites andweb pages that it is now physically impossible to navigate around a page without inadvertently clicking on a link and having the browser sent elsewhere.
“They’re so desperate to climb up Google’s rankings that they’ll link to anything, anywhere,” he said, while exercising his fingers. “Look, if I want to go back to the top of this page, where do I click? How? See, if I go here — oh, there we go again. Great, now I’ve gone to another miracle cure diet site!”
Mystic healer Shu Away-Foo agreed: “The Chinese have ancient saying about this. There may be one loaf of bread, but 24 slices in that loaf. How can you pick the right slice? You can’t. It’s impossible.”
Many prominent figures throughout history were able to wax poetically whilst drunk. John F Kennedy famously uttered the phrase “Ich ben ein Berliner”, which everyone assumed he was trying to say “I am a Berliner” in German. But the truth is he was really quite tanked up and was trying to grab the last triangle sandwich when he slurred: “Itshh mine, the baloney!”
Here are some more examples:
Napolean Bonaparte: “A Constitution should be short and obscure.” A Constitution was his favourite drink, which he concealed with one hand inside his jacket.
Winston Churchill: “Without a measureless and perpetual uncertainty, the drama of human life would be destroyed.” This famous quote is the world’s first drunk riddle. Nobody has ever figured it out.
Walt Whitman: “Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.” Clearly he was off his arse and said this before challenging a patron in a bar to an arm wrestle.
Oscar Wilde: “At every single moment of one’s life, one is going to be no less than what one has been.” Sure, it sounds elegant, but did you know he got this from a phone psychic who he dialed up for advice and witticisms whenever he was hammered?
Muhammed Ali: “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.” If ever there was a more poetic description of the effects of alcoholism we have yet to hear it.
Libyan leader Colonel Gaddafi: “We are capable of destroying America and breaking its nose.” Too easy. Gaddafi hasn’t been sober since he started getting drunk on power in 1969.
Ah, such sweet, wonderful drunk talk. Too bad you’re not going to get any of it here, because we lack gravitas, talent and wit. But at least we get an A for effort. With that in mind, we forced our two interns to perform a podcast while BEING SOBER. Shocking, but true. It sucks.
A man has built a roller-coaster in his backyard and hopes neighbourhood children will ride on him.
“It’s perfectly safe. The kids have to be at least this high before they can strap themselves on to me,” says Bert Semicolon of Shropshire, England, Great Britain, UK.
Safety experts have inspected Mr Semicolon and found no obvious cracks or fissures. However, as a class 8 vehicle Mr Semicolon will have to undergo regular oil changes (Editor’s note: That’s enough of this story)
Swiss Fromage, a Swiss bank that refuses to identify its wealthy clients (mainly criminal gangs and corrupt dictators), has opened a branch on the moon, where it says it does not have to adhere to new international treaties.
“Well, where else are criminals supposed to hide their money?” sniffed Gilles Camembert, the bank’s managing director. “Many countries are cracking down on banking secrecy and offshore accounts so we have to stay one step ahead of them. Our new branch has the most secure vault on the moon and a drive-thru internet cafe.”
Dictators, despots, criminals and celebrated politicians have long embraced Switzerland’s laws that shield their identity and let them hoard their cash with no questions asked. But many observers predict the demise of Swiss banking secrecy thanks to new treaties such as the one between the US Internal Revenue Service and UBS, which demands the Swiss bank reveal who stashes money in its accounts.
Swiss Fromage believes it has found a loophole. “The moon has no treaties with earth,” Mr Camembert said. “Legally, we can do what we like. We think many of our clients who do not like laws will appreciate this.”
Mr Camembert would neither confirm nor deny rumours that the bank will offer up many other illegal activities such as cock-fighting, death races and gay marriage, but did admit that the company had trademarked the term “SwitzerMoon” for future development that will include a gold-plated theme park once space tourism becomes mainstream.
Fat people will do anything to lose weight. As long as it does not involve eating less food, that is. Don’t believe us? Check out the parasitic worm diet which has become the latest weight-loss trend in Hong Kong. Kirstie Alley knows all about it — she has built her career on getting fat and losing the weight, then flogging off her experiences on TV shows (rumour has it she her latest pitch is called “My Favorite Tapeworm”).
So we wondered: With millions of fad diets in the world, why are obese people still getting obesier? Actually, there’s a better question: With millions of people desperate to lose weight, why haven’t we figured out a way to make money off them? By the way, you can buy your own slimming tapeworms for $2,000 at WormTherapy.com (no really, just our luck. We waste precious brain cells making shit like this up only for us to learn someone is really doing it. Satire just can’t keep up!)
Japan’s indoor beach has been hit by a tsunami, though there were no injuries as beach staff responded quickly by pulling the plug and draining the pool.
The beach, built inside a dome that offers sun, sand and sharks 365 days a year, is where beach bums get the comfort of a climate-controlled experience complete with volcanos and artificial sea full of flora, fauna and funa.
The “beach” (or ‘old polluted industrial complex’ as it is known on local maps) also has a retractable sun roof on the dome so weather permitting, outdoor elements such as dive-bombing seagulls can enter and harass picnicgoers.
Television network NBC has announced that a “Friends” spin-off show about the cast’s “imaginary friends” has been cancelled after the pilot episode screened poorly.
“As you might expect imaginary friends are hard to film because they are invisible. In the end, the entire pilot episode was basically the cafe or the apartment, some furniture and a fern and nothing happened. It wasn’t very entertaining,” said one insider.
The Actor’s Guild applauded the cancellation as they were planning to strike if imaginary actors threatened the jobs of union members. “Our industry already suffers from recycled jokes, fake ‘reality’ dramas and unrealistic plot twists … imaginary characters are simply crossing the line,” said a union boss.
By General Daniel Velasquez, editor-in-chief
There won’t be much cheer for dictators this holiday season. 2009 has not been a good year for us, what with all the peace deals and UN busybodies snooping about. And don’t get me started on the recent war crimes trial of comrade Radovan Karadzik. For shame! The thought that such a powerful man(iac) could be treated with such disrespect makes me want to invade something.
Sadly, I can’t do that however, because I am still a dictator-without-a-country. This is now my second year in exile after those bastards in the military overthrew me. Luckily I escaped on my private jet before they could string me up, but I have no regrets. I have to admit I still get teary-eyed thinking back to that fateful morning when I sat on my veranda, sipping my morning coffee while watching the troops storm the gates, take out my personal body guards, and commandeer my Rolls-Royce and PlayStation. It just shows I trained them well. They overthrew the capital with such precision and professionalism that I can hold my head up high and say ‘Yes, those boys who are now my enemies did their jobs well.’ Oh well, can’t complain. I have my stash of riches and mistresses and will one day return to power. The plot continues, as we like to joke!
I’m not a religious man but Christmas is always a happy time for me. How can it not be when as dictator all my underlings were under strict orders to give me presents and praise. One year, a minister in my government gave me his wife. Seriously! Oh, how we laughed. Maybe I shouldn’t have had him shot. He was my brother after all. But hey, one of the hallmarks of being a ruler is our unpredictability.
But 2009 wasn’t all bad. I had some Hollywood producers contact me for the rights to my life story. Seems that the Che Guevara gravy train has run dry and they’re looking for the next charismatic revolutionary to put on a t-shirt. They weren’t phased at all when I told them that I used to adopt African babies so that my real kids would learn some gratitude and quit crying about the beatings. Said it would make a great celluloid moment a la “Mommie Dearest.”
US shuts down Radio-Free North Korea!
Radio Free North Korea has been shut down by imperialist American dogs, says a source inside the studio. “Some reports say we were shut down because of power cuts.,” he said. “Wrong! That is American propaganda!!! Is very simple, our host ate the microphone. It is not his fault. In his delirious state he thought it was ice cream cone. It will take 6 weeks before we can get a new one … I know, I know. Japan is so close, couldn’t be just send over a squad of special forces and steal one from a store? If I had a penny for every time I heard that … It’s not so simple. We need a boat for starters.”
What’s inside your European Carry-all?
Profile: Iranian general Hassim Asgharivan never goes far without his sunscreen and lotion.
“I use Pantene Lavish Looks to keep the dry desert air from clogging my pours. When I hit the beach, I always put on Junior Sun Block lotion because I love to lay back and enjoy the weather, the barbecues, the feeling of sand between my toes and watching my beautiful young daughter frolic in the ocean … I killed her hamster so I kind of owe her a ‘fun’ day.”
Congrats to Bobby M. for hitting the number one spot in 2009’s Best Dictator category, proving once again that just because you lose an election and are forced to share power with your enemies in a ‘national unity’ government is no reason to stop trying to be the best you can be! We asked what was in store for 2010 and he was coy as usual, saying only that the money will continue to flow for whoever supports him (nudge nudge, wink wink). Way to go, Bobby!
And how about my old bowling partner Omar Al-Bashir for moving up to number 2 spot. ‘The Bash’ as we like to call him (don’t EVER call him ‘Omo’ or he will give you a one-way ticket to Darfur) is the glorious leader of Sudan, who has smartly used an arrest warrant from the International Criminal Court to spin his way up the rankings. The ICC. Bah! Should be called the IC-not!
HUGE SALE! Limited time only get previously enjoyed headless-Lenin statues. Just plop your own head on top and you’ve got an instant statue in your honour! Great for plazas, Buy from me, Crazy Ivan – I won’t be undersold!!!
M4W, handsome death squad leader seeks female for good times, invasions of beaches, must like bunkers. Serious enquiries only please. Sorry, can’t meet in public.
For sale, 12 tanks. Good condition, need tracts, paint job (No manual but big red button is self-explanatory). Any reasonable offer considered as these tanks have terrible karma.
123passports. Buy 10 and get a free working visa for Albania! (will also work in Alabama)
Mercenaries Wanted: Just make your way to Afghanistan and join the first American or Taliban training camp you find. Guaranteed employment until death.
SPECIAL OFFER FOR MEMBERS ONLY:
Grab this limited edition 24′ x 10′ mural for your war room now! Call for members only price.
You can give a Useless Dad like Ned the chance to raise a healthy and happy child for just $35 per month.. OK $20… make it $10… why don’t you just tell us how much you’ve got?
Introduction letter from Useless Dad #3895: Ned from Canada
Hi. My name is Ned and this is Ella. Please hep me and my little girl. I ain’t got no money no job and guvment check. We live in a tent but it gets cold. The wild dogs harass us in da night and steal our eggs. My little girl has been wearing same diper for 6 weeks. She startin’ to smell bad. No wait, dat’s me! MY thanks to Gina for the last donation of tweny bucks. I appreshiate your jenerosity. But I spent it all on beer and smokes. Can I have more pleas? I knew I shoulda went to college…Bye bye.
WHAT MAKES A DAD USELESS?
They forget birthdays. They yell at postmen. They harass ducks. And most importantly they think society owes them everything.
With your help the Committee to Reform Useless Dads (CRUD) is able to aid these losers. With your generous donations and sponsorships, we have been able to assist Useless Dads with the following:
Jobs: Many Useless Dads spend all day drinking and then call into right-wing radio talk shows. Others prefer scaring people in parks. CRUD successfully retrains them by making them pick up our trash, paint our fences, and hide in the bushes when we have a dinner party. ?
Education: Many of our Useless Dads can’t spell worth a damn. But thanks to CRUD many of them now know a pencil from a pretzel. Some write shopping lists. Others have filled out credit card forms, several at a time in fact.
Child care: Useless Dads never get this. They let their babies fester in soiled diapers until someone else comes along and does the job for them. Thanks to CRUD and your support, many have vowed never to have children again.
USELESS DADS FAQ
How does one become a Useless Dad? Is there a future in being a Useless Dad?
Being a Useless Dad takes no effort. In fact, that is the quickest way to being one – just don’t do shit. No, there is no future in being a Useless Dad, unless you want a career in traveling carnivals clearing out horse dung.
In what season do Useless Dads usually succumb??
Summer is worst. They can’t handle driving in the heat because they were too cheap to buy a car with AC. This is when shouting occurs the most.
My daddy used a knife to chisel away at ice in the freezer and he punctured it. Now we need to buy a new one. Is my dad Useless??
No, he is just dim. To be truly Useless he would have left the freezer in a 7-Eleven parking lot and put the food in a wheelbarrow. There is still hope for him. Use the parental control on your TV remote to hide Fox News.
A Nigerian Prince has been bilked out of hundreds of millions of dollars by former Wall Street bankers. The bankers, all of whom were fired for contributing to the credit crisis and bail-out of banks, used to work in complex derivative instruments.
(Editor’s note: cut to the chase, nobody understands this stuff anyway).
The bankers asked the prince for help in transferring hundreds of millions of dollars to a secret Swiss bank account. But rather than reimburse the prince for his troubles, the bankers emptied the prince’s account. The Nigerian Prince (who is not the black man pictured but nonetheless just as sad) had planned to donate the proceeds to a cancer hospital. He has now vowed never to help anyone again.
“This scam has been going on for years and years,” police said. “The bankers present themselves as savvy market participants but then go out and invest in extremely risky financial products while telling their victims their money is safe.”
(Editor’s note: I’m a bit uneasy doing a story on a black person. We’re both white. Is it appropriate for us to write about this?)
(Webmaster’s note: Hey, you can’t call us “black” anymore… it’s “pigmentally-enhanced.” Fucking racists!)
(Editor’s note: See, what I mean? Pigmentally-enhanced? I mean, is he joking or being serious? Can I even reprimand him for saying that?! )
(Reporter’s note: How about if I add this stuff below to make it more palatable?)
For more commentary and news on black people by a nice chap who isn’t afraid to be both entertaining and informative click here. Or here. But definitely not here. See, what I mean? I told you not to click there. Now, you’re just as annoyed as I am. They make a movie about a lady who cooks recipes written by another lady and that’s it. There’s no huge conflict, no big emotional challenge — she basically gets a little sad sometimes and that’s supposed to be good enough for a F$%&*@ movie these days?! Honestly! Why can’t they make a movie based on this guy’s blog? At least he has something to say! Arrrrgh!
This month BS.com follows the journey of “Sunshine” (aka Tiffany) Palmer, a
21-year-old English major on her six-month trip to Guatemala, courtesy of daddy’s
credit card, where she is living out her dream of casting aside western commercialism
to “empower the earnest indigenous people”.
By Sunshine Palmer
Ohmygod, I am having the totally coolest trip. I’ve been staying at this cute coastal village that is totally poor and completely free of commercial products. No TV, no phone, no Coke machines, no hairdryers. Nature, family, grass huts – just like I pictured it. Awesome.
The other week I had this fantastic idea of assisting my host family by teaching them unique methods to eat wholesome, organic foods.
I did all the prep work myself. All they had to do was soak the beans in a water/salt solution for four hours, drain, cook on an open pit fire for two hours, let cool slightly, then mix in a pot loaded with other organically grown and peeled vegetation (which as everyone knows back home, all one needs to sustain themselves) for another two-and-three-quarters hours, simmer, then serve.
But no, they gave their starving daughter beef! How dare they!
I spent four days digging for nutritious, fibrous roots from under the rain forest canopy, and harvesting lima beans and this is how they show their appreciation — by passing me a burger!
Needless to say, I bolted from that cesspool. I left that family and found a quaint village (A food agency worker called it a “hamlet”, I guess after Shakespeare! Cute, huh?) and it was located closer to the mountain range, where the rain pours harder
(acid rain, for sure) and totally ruins my braids and my Gap jeans, which I only bought from that multinational corporation because they totally fit my figure better.
Anyway, I was told that it was the local custom to give a new host family a gift, so I presented them with an honourary chicken because they apparently held it in high regard.
Well, they ate it!
Their five-year-old son has had his insides polluted forever by toxins and hormones injected in that foul bird. I couldn’t stop crying. They tried to cheer me up (they thought I was ill) but I was in no mood. I just slept on my bamboo mat for days while they pretended to ignore me by working from dawn to dusk.
A week later, I lectured them on multinational corporations and the fascist WTO. The host family was very thankful. In fact, they encouraged me to give more lectures to families who they said needed me more. I needed no further encouragement and so decided to leave the following morning. My host family said my work was too important (at least that is what I think they said since I don’t speak Guatemalish), and so I took their advice and left that evening by donkey.
Thanks to me, they were very, very happy when I left.
The superhero known as Prospector (a grizzled 1800s gold digger from the Klondike days who carries a pick axe and rides a flying donkey) says he is upset that Hollywood has yet to offer him a movie deal.
“It’s discrimination just cuz I ain’t sexy, dagnabbit!” he spat. “Spider Man is a freak! He shoots gooey stuff out of his wrists, fergawdsakes! And don’t get me started on them Fantastic Four? One guy creates fire. Another stretches himself. Gimme a break — all they got is parlour tricks!”
The Anti-Everything Brigade’s inaugural meeting was halted just after it began as members protested each other.
“The meeting was held in Portland and that’s a non-starter right there because a council member dared to travel to Israel,” said one protester. “Plus, the agenda was written on only 50 per cent recycled paper, which is worse than genocide!”
One member started a fire after the buffet table contained Krispy Kreme doughnuts. His motion calling for a ban on all multinational corporatations was passed, then defeated, then declared null and void, but later approved in principle with 500 conditions and caveats.
An afternoon that was originally planned to organize protests against a long litany of corporate criminals came to an end when the AEB recognized that the only logical conclusion to endless protests was to shut themselves down.
Most protesters/members admitted they got tired of voting against everything. “After 6 hours of putting our arms up and shouting down speakers we’d had enough. But in the end we successfully voted to ban ourselves which is quite the accomplishment,” said one happy member.
A self-congratulatory press release from the AEB claimed that “ours is the first progressive organization in history which avoided the bourgeois trap of ever-increasing bureaucratic growth by successfully shutting ourselves down through the power of grassroots direct action.”