Category Archives: Get Rich Quick / Go Broke Fast

Buy 1 Religion, Get 1 Free!

In this podcast we create not 1, but 2 new religions for you too swallow. First, save your soul with Godism (it deserves to be bolded up!), the religion with the motto “Let God Handle It.” We believe that if there is a God, it’s His job is to worry about all the shit down here on Earth, so we don’t have to. Kind of like having an all-powerful landlord you can harass to do things for you, but he’s not so creepy.

Is your soul full yet? If not, try Momism, the religion that worships God’s mom, the mom of the Universe. After all, it’s only human nature that when we have a problem we run to mommy.

For a limited time, we’ll let you join both for the introductory price of $9.99 a month. This is the cheapest religion ever created. Get yours today, in case you die tomorrow.

Support our sponsors! Buy 100% Organic Vitamin Dirt

vitamindirt
It’s now a fact that children who grow up in pristinely clean environments do not develop a strong enough immune system to handle today’s tough illnesses like laziness and not flushing the toilet.

So every time you parents nag your wee ones to use an anti-bacterial body wash, non-GMO dish soup, dy-free laundry detergent, or spray-on tan you are putting your young ones closer to death. Good job!

But of course we have the solution. 100% Pure Vitamin Dirt, filled with every conceivable yucky bacterial bug you can find in a sandbox or school lunch potluck. Just one Vitamin Dirt capsule with breakfast, lunch and dinner will pump up your young one’s immune system so you can rest assured that AIDS won’t faze your son and breast cancer will find some other young woman’s tits, instead of your precious daughter. Isn’t that worth $19.99 a jar?

Coma Air — the world’s quietest airline

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Customer: Hi, I’d like a return ticket to Paris.

Airline sales agent: Certainly, however, I am required to disclose there are extra charges for luggage.

Customer: Yeah, figured there might be.

Sales agent: Did I say luggage? I meant legroom. And meals. And beverages, though water is complimentary with a purchase from our duty free cart, if you pay with hard currency, like the Renminbi.

Customer: Anything else?

Sales agent: I can book you on a December 11 flight leaving at –

Customer: It’s only June. I’d like to leave before that!

Sales agent: I’m sorry, sir, but due to a restructuring many of our aircraft have been switched over to our sister airline, Coma Air.

Customer: Coma wha–?

Sales agent: It is a new and improved version of a no-frills airline. You get a bed –

Customer: A bed? Wow, what’s the catch?

Sales agent: Well, there’s no television screen, but you won’t even notice it because you will be in… in our care.

Customer: Eh?

Sales agent: We induce comas into all our passengers. You ’sleep’ the entire journey. We wake you when we land. Side effects include very dangerous–

Customer: That’s mental, who would do such a thing?

Sales agent: Well, there are other benefits. For example, you could enjoy a two-for-one liposuction special of your double chin on your way to Paris. And if there is a plane crash you won’t even notice. Painless death!

Customer: But what if I have to change airplanes?

Sales agent: We only offer non-stop service now due to a few… um, things being misplaced.

Customer: You misplaced some people?

Sales agent: Our lawyers are trying to determine whether they could be classified as ‘people’. Did I mention the price includes 400 reward points that can be used for souvenirs at the Louvre?

Customer: Sold!

Delicious ideas for a stinky world

deodorant
More interns are always needed. Apply online by mail or leave a message on our fax machine at BrilliantOrStupid.com

Hey deodorant companies. Excuse me for being a man but I don’t want to smell like honeysuckle, rosehip, patchoulie or Penelope Cruz.

That’s why we’re taking our armpits hostage and not letting you near them until our demands our met. Here’s what we want:

1. ChocoChipFudge Deodorant
2. Coconut Curry Body Wash
3. Poutine Shampoo & Beer Conditioner
4. BBQ Rib Anti-Perspirant
5. Cheeseburger Toothpaste
6. Mars Bars of Soap
And no MSG, or you’ll smell our wrath!

 

 

Cash in on a dying breed: $moker$

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Smokers. Love them or simply be annoyed by them, they’ll probably be around forever whether we like it or not. Kinda like Republicans. But what to do with them? Name and shame them? Parade them through streets before putting them on show trials? Or douse them with gasoline and watch them ignite the next time they try to light up? (Kids, don’t try that at home… make sure you’re outside.)

Better yet, why not take after the tobacco companies and just make money off them?

Now that smoking bans are spreading across the globe we came up with just the idea: Turn abandoned old photo booths into smoking booths. The concept is simple and yet clever. We take photo booths that people do not use anymore and let smokers puff away inside them while charging them money for the privilege. Granted this idea has probably been done in cool places like Japan — where they ingeniously got around smoking regulations by creating a smoking lounge — but across the Pacific these ideas have yet to arrive.

First Galactic Bank of Aliens

bank_of_alien3-copyEvery spring during earnings season, the Swiss people celebrate the harvesting of banks’ profits. Across the land, bankers on balconies throw candy to children below. Street parties are held in every town and parades make their way from holy ATMs to the insides of sacred vaults. Later, couples snuggle under balance sheets. At midnight mass, the banking regulator conducts the longest prayer in the world. And finally, a communist is sacrificed to appease the Gods.

The world should take a page out of the Swiss playbook and embrace banking, but for a different purpose. If Hollywood films are right (and let’s face it they were right about killer sharks and Scientologists) then this galaxy’s leading alien empires will someday gear up for a major battle. And when that happens, we Earthlingians need a strategy.

That’s why we came up with the safest, most profitable war plan of all: sit it out. How? Easy, be their banker. If we play our cards right Earth could be this galaxy’s version of the Swiss during World War II, who turned a blind eye to war crimes in exchange for being allowed to play with all the Nazi gold.

Every empire needs help stashing  the loot they ransack during their campaigns and what better place to do it than on a planet that has not seen a world war for at least 65 years. It’s easy — we promise them a lavish 0.0002% return on their investment  (and a free Tibet with every new account) and  they promise not to feed us to their young.

 

Searching for God? There’s an app for that

religion-app-copyOur Father, who art in electronics shop

hallowed be thy domain name

Thy kingdom come in and browse.

Thy will be done, for a price*

On earth as it is in cyberspace.

Give us this day our daily app.

And forgive us our porn trespasses,

As we forgive those who Facebook tag us.

And lead us not into temptation (see above),

But deliver us from hefty fees

For thine is the special offer,

and the power of the battery that lasts oh, so long,

and the glory (did we mention the porn?)

for ever and ever. Until the next generation comes out

Amen.

(*please allow 4-6 weeks for service)

 

The evolution of Hooters: less ass, more class

Evolution has a funny way of working: man came from apes, but while apes are still smart enough to subsist on healthy bananas, men stuff their faces with wings and nachos. They don’t even like nachos (let’s face facts: anything with green onions on it is technically a salad), but it’s a great excuse to ogle waitresses in their natural habitat.

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When waitresses bend over in this restaurant you might have to help them back up

An ape would never demean himself like that. If he needs sex he’ll grab the first ass sticking up in the air and it’s over. If evolution continues like this men will soon be begging for sex (oh, damn. Evolution has already won).

At least there’s one place knuckle-draggers can go to feel like a man: Hooters. Unfortunately, the thrill of a side of supersized mammaries with your un-chicken-like buffalo wings wears off after about 3 minutes (about the time heart burn sets in). And as soon as your top-heavy server struggles to speak beyond one-syllable chirps you realize that bimbos should be left to roam free in libraries where they will slowly develop self-esteem for future generations. So where do you go when you want to meet a woman who has read something more challenging than her horoscope?

My friend, we have the answer. A new establishment called Cougars. Come on in, the first order of emasculation-infused herbal tea is on us.

Squeegee Kids go corporate

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Squeegee Pro works the ‘red light’ district

Squeegee kids are clearly not professional. Everything about them is amateur: the dreadlocks, the nose rings, the lack of a decent pension plan. They could use some professional guidance, say in the form of a pimp or a corporation that could exploit them in exchange for minimum wage and a vest emblazoned with advertising.  Just think of how much brighter their outlook would be in life if they could be a one-stop shop for all drivers’ needs!

We asked our gullible intern David (name will be changed later to protect the ignorant) and he immediately rewrote his resume in crayon in hopes of snagging a new gig. He wrote on a paper napkin: “If I was a squeegee kid, I’d be the best. I’d have the cleanerest uniform. I be have the most awesomest squeegee. I’d be polite and profeshinal, ya’sir. I’d have one of those portable payment gizmos so you can buy concert tickets or pay bills and I’d sell beverages, tissues, chips, spray-on tan lotion — everyone would love me!”