In our society if we want to watch a movie we have to pay big bucks and be forced the watch the whole thing even if it is crap just to get our money’s worth. That sucks. What is this Russia?! Why can’t we have a system where we pay more the longer we sit in a cinema and watch a movie? If it’s terrible like say … I dunno, anything by Adam Sandler, we walk out and only pay a couple bucks, if it’s good (Adam Sandler is the man!) and we stay until the end, we pay more. It’s the parking metres system for movies!
Why hasn’t some NHL team ever hired the biggest, fattest sumo wrestler on Earth to play goal for them?
Or one of those 800 pound people where you have to cut a wall out of the house to get them out and move them around with a crane. Slap on 50 pounds of goalie gear and there is no way anyone could score on them.
Killing two birds with one stone
The other big problem in hockey is figuring out how to break a tie, since everybody hates leaving any sporting event that doesn’t have a clear winner or clear loser. They’ve tried a variety of different tactics but there just isn’t nearly enough entertainment value in overtimes and shootouts. But this gives us the perfect amusing solution.
If a hockey game ends in a tie, the two wrestlers have a 3 minute sumo match at center ice. And to make it even more fun, we replace the sumo rules with hockey fight rules… which is kind of like ultimate fighting but we won’t ban eye gouging and crotch slamming.
The World Coffee Council has warned people have too many choices for hot caffeinated beverages.
“Our menu boards are at capacity,” said a board member. “We need more funding from governments to build larger menu boards or we will have to cut certain drinks.”
“Innovation is vital to us,” said one barrista stroking his goatee. “Only 20 years ago consumers had two choices: regular and decaf. Now we have new ones being invented all the time by Starbucks headquarters and they all cost more too.”
“We are opening a second location next door just to house the menu,” he added in between passing out flyers for his band’s latest gig. “You’ll go next door, figure out what you want to order, then come in and order. Also, we are implementing a new express line for drinks with 9 adjectives or less. We are currently doing market research on whether hyphenated coffee-adjectives (we call them “cafectives”) will count as one or two in the express lane. So, does a tall wet double extra-hot latte in a grande cup squeeze in to the express line or not? I can’t answer that. Seriously, I can’t — it says so in my employee manual.”
Meanwhile, a global consortium of tea barons have called for limits on fancy coffee drinks’ names with a proposed “cap and trade” system whereby each consumer is allowed to order a drink with up to 5 words for the regular price but will have to give to poorer nations without Starbucks for extra options such as syrups and whip cream.
When Americans get too old to be cold they move to Florida and Hawaii. When Canadians get too old to be cold they are put on sheets of ice and sent to Baffin Island. It just doesn’t seem fair. So we suggest a partnership with a small poverty-stricken nation that happens to be blessed with miles of sun-soaked beaches.
We made some calls but even the most desperate of them hung up when they heard we were from Canada. Except one: Haiti. Canadians get to escape the frozen tundra without any bureaucratic nightmares to ruin their retirements and Haitians are welcome to fill out the under-populated towns of northern Saskatchewan. Bring the whole family, there’s lots of room. Besides, our nation is experiencing a severe shortage of witch doctors.
Hey deodorant companies. Excuse me for being a man but I don’t want to smell like honeysuckle, rosehip, patchoulie or Penelope Cruz.
That’s why we’re taking our armpits hostage and not letting you near them until our demands our met. Here’s what we want:
1. ChocoChipFudge Deodorant
2. Coconut Curry Body Wash
3. Poutine Shampoo & Beer Conditioner
4. BBQ Rib Anti-Perspirant
5. Cheeseburger Toothpaste
6. Mars Bars of Soap
And no MSG, or you’ll smell our wrath!
So, if the 100 Mile Diet is supposedly better for your health and the environment, doesn’t it stand to reason that the One-Mile Diet is 100 times better than that? Here’s one way to bring your carbon footprint down to nothing, and probably meet some desperate housewives in the process. Three cheers for the environment!
Please follow the rules:
1. Take only what you think you deserve.
2. Napkins do not grow on trees. Try not to eat like a pig.
3. Use the neighbour’s toilet only in an emergency.
4. Clean up after yourself. (use the hose, dammit!)
5. Do not snoop (unless you have even the slightest reason to suspect they are terrorist (lawn not mowed, kids speak a second language, they don’t have cable) in which case bring a camera and check underwear drawer.
6. Do not be cheap and expect free food all the time. Keep up your end of the bargain and cook for once. It’s not hard, honestly, I mean an omelette takes a minute and you can add mushrooms, peppers, tomatoes… Shit! Do you really need an egg lesson?!?!? I MEAN WHAT DID YOU GROW UP ON? FUCKING CEREAL?! FUCK IT, STAY AWAY FROM MY HOUSE!!!
Granted we might have been under the influence when we brainstormed this nugget of an idea, but now we have proof that trading your blood for a pint is officially a brilliant idea: A US city is encouraging the public to donate blood in exchange for beer. We are not taking full credit for it (yet), but we did come up with it in 2008 (yes, we are ho.d) , but if anything it proves the old saying: there is no such thing as a bad idea. Cheers to us then!
You probably think that blood is icky and useless. But did you know that if you replaced your blood with something much more exciting (like Root Beer) you would probably die within 12 years? Shocking but true!
But even though you have more than enough blood there are people in hospitals too stupid to make enough for themselves. That’s why you always hear people asking you to give blood.
But who wants to go all the way to the Blood Donor clinic to pick up hepatitis from a dirty needle! That’s why we’ve come up with a cunning new plan: pay people for their blood when they are the happiest — at the neighbourhood pub!
Unless you’re a fat teenager or depressed divorcee you’re probably sick of eating the garbage that passes for “meat” at the fast food joints. This is why veggie “burgers” are such a growing industry. Well, growing only in the petri-dish sense, not economically because so many have fallen off the menus.
Why haven’t the fast food joints ever figured this out? Back in the ’90s they tried all sorts of non-meat options but they all had the same flaw. They assumed that anyone who wants to eat a veggie-burger must be an anorexic yoga teacher so they tried to force-feed us a monstrosity served on a hard, dry whole-wheat bun with low-fat mayo, no cheese and piles of cold, wet, wilting veggies. Tastes like shit.
Why can’t those crap-food joint just replace the meat patty with a veggie patty but keep all the flavourful extras the way they are? That way a Big Mac would be just as sloppy but you wouldn’t be eating diseased cow flesh. And a Whopper would still be overloaded with ketchup and mayo but you wouldn’t have to eat any cow eyeballs and knees cartilage.
Honestly, it shouldn’t be that difficult to have a tasty veggie burger that does not have gay sprouts! If the pizza companies can squirt soft cheese into the crust of pizzas (because evidently there’s a surging demand from pizza lovers to do something once and for all about that wasted space that is the crust of a pizza!), and if food companies actually have something called a ‘flavour enhancer’ on the list of ingredients, then surely a decent veggie burger can’t outwit the brainiacs who thought up cheeseburger in a can (Yes, it exists … incidentally so do the Kardashians so there’s two reasons proving God does not exist).
The US military has begun testing a suit of full-body armour made out of bibles. “You know how Hollywood movies always have a scene where a soldier’s life is saved because he kept a bible in his pocket in the exact spot where he was shot? We normally don’t take our cue from Hollywood films on this, except for maybe this and when we trained dolphins to attack foreign whales, but we figured we have a big budget and need to spend it all on something so we’ll try it out.”
The bibles were baptized before testing began to cleanse them of any evil, then stitched on to the uniform of specially-trained soldiers. ”We hear the Taliban are creating a suit of armour made out of the Koran. Well, we’ll see which army God loves most,” said the general.
Every spring during earnings season, the Swiss people celebrate the harvesting of banks’ profits. Across the land, bankers on balconies throw candy to children below. Street parties are held in every town and parades make their way from holy ATMs to the insides of sacred vaults. Later, couples snuggle under balance sheets. At midnight mass, the banking regulator conducts the longest prayer in the world. And finally, a communist is sacrificed to appease the Gods.
The world should take a page out of the Swiss playbook and embrace banking, but for a different purpose. If Hollywood films are right (and let’s face it they were right about killer sharks and Scientologists) then this galaxy’s leading alien empires will someday gear up for a major battle. And when that happens, we Earthlingians need a strategy.
That’s why we came up with the safest, most profitable war plan of all: sit it out. How? Easy, be their banker. If we play our cards right Earth could be this galaxy’s version of the Swiss during World War II, who turned a blind eye to war crimes in exchange for being allowed to play with all the Nazi gold.
Every empire needs help stashing the loot they ransack during their campaigns and what better place to do it than on a planet that has not seen a world war for at least 65 years. It’s easy — we promise them a lavish 0.0002% return on their investment (and a free Tibet with every new account) and they promise not to feed us to their young.
Our Father, who art in electronics shop
hallowed be thy domain name
Thy kingdom come in and browse.
Thy will be done, for a price*
On earth as it is in cyberspace.
Give us this day our daily app.
And forgive us our porn trespasses,
As we forgive those who Facebook tag us.
And lead us not into temptation (see above),
But deliver us from hefty fees
For thine is the special offer,
and the power of the battery that lasts oh, so long,
and the glory (did we mention the porn?)
for ever and ever. Until the next generation comes out
(*please allow 4-6 weeks for service)
Evolution has a funny way of working: man came from apes, but while apes are still smart enough to subsist on healthy bananas, men stuff their faces with wings and nachos. They don’t even like nachos (let’s face facts: anything with green onions on it is technically a salad), but it’s a great excuse to ogle waitresses in their natural habitat.
An ape would never demean himself like that. If he needs sex he’ll grab the first ass sticking up in the air and it’s over. If evolution continues like this men will soon be begging for sex (oh, damn. Evolution has already won).
At least there’s one place knuckle-draggers can go to feel like a man: Hooters. Unfortunately, the thrill of a side of supersized mammaries with your un-chicken-like buffalo wings wears off after about 3 minutes (about the time heart burn sets in). And as soon as your top-heavy server struggles to speak beyond one-syllable chirps you realize that bimbos should be left to roam free in libraries where they will slowly develop self-esteem for future generations. So where do you go when you want to meet a woman who has read something more challenging than her horoscope?
My friend, we have the answer. A new establishment called Cougars. Come on in, the first order of emasculation-infused herbal tea is on us.
That’s why zoos are going extinct.
Parents don’t bring their kids to zoos anymore because they worry about little things like animal welfare and masturbating primates.
And kids don’t care about animals unless they can stomp on their heads in a video game. It’s an unproven fact that cat neglect rose 3% right after Halo came out.
So here’s the plan to bring back zoos.
First, kids today need some pizzazz. A lightshow by the lion cage and an all-zebra Abba tribute band are a good start. Free spitting and farting lessons at the giraffe cages at 2 and 4 p.m.
For the teens and cynical young adults, we will create an urban zoo where clever hipsters can gaze in an ironic manner upon the animals on each others’ t-shirts.
Finally, for everyone over the age of 30, how about a gated community for animals where the creatures can live amongst us in tiny bachelor flats – like a modern day Noah’s Ark, two per room of every kind. Ideally with soundproof and stenchproof walls.
School doesn’t teach real life skills, so how do you know if the person in the next cubicle is capable of making microwave popcorn without burning down the kitchen?
You don’t, obviously. In fact, if you’re about to hire new staff make sure they can perform this vital office function.
But we digress: the point of this pointless podcast is that people should be forced to prove that anyone old enough to be entrusted with a set of keys can perform simple day-to-day tasks before they are allowed out in public.
While those dynamic go-getters at the motor vehicle branch are quizzing people eager to get their driver’s license, why not spend an extra 20 minutes and make the public perform some other stupid human tricks?
THE BRILLIANT OR STUPID “LICENSE TO ENGAGE OTHER HUMANS” TEST INCLUDES THESE VITAL SKILLS:
- Can you drink more than 2 beers without arguing with the cat?
- Can you talk on your phone at a decibel level lower than a slightly-deaf Chinese lady?
- Can you hold a conversation about anything other than the latest reality TV show?
- Can you wait more than 1.7 seconds after the light has turned green before you slam your foot down on the pedal and start screaming hysterically?
- Can you clean up your dog’s shit? Yes, we know the sidewalk is technically city property but the fumes are annoying the hospital patients.
What’s the deal with the Olympics? Do we really need dozens of events to figure out which nation rules? Before the invention of television warring tribes would settle their differences with a one-day game of fiery dodgeball. That was it. After they cleared the grounds and buried the dead, they went on with their daily lives of hunting, gathering and witchhunting. You never saw a warrior chief challenged to a ping-pong match.
But now companies are so eager to cash in on sport that they invent new ones all the time. How else do you explain curling, water polo, badminton and Celebrity Apprentice?
The other problem is the weather. If you’re an elite athlete you train for four years just so you can suffer heat exhaustion in some smoggy hotspot or freeze your ass off on some icefield somewhere. Why not combine the summer and winter Olympics — call it the Wimmer Olympics — and hold it in during the mild days of spring? That way all the sports can be combined into fewer, but yet more exciting events. Plus, we would only have to suffer through the emasculating exercise of watching gorgeous buff athletes highlight the fact that we are useless slobs to our wives/girlfriends only once every four years.
Best of all, it’d give us a break from sport and give us time to read a book for once. Oh, who are we kidding — you’d just use that free time to surf for ever more deviant porn. Hmmm… Deviant Porn Surfing, now there’s a Wimmer Olympic event we’ve got a shot in. Bring it on, Estonia!
Fat people will do anything to lose weight. As long as it does not involve eating less food, that is. Don’t believe us? Check out the parasitic worm diet which has become the latest weight-loss trend in Hong Kong. Kirstie Alley knows all about it — she has built her career on getting fat and losing the weight, then flogging off her experiences on TV shows (rumour has it she her latest pitch is called “My Favorite Tapeworm”).
So we wondered: With millions of fad diets in the world, why are obese people still getting obesier? Actually, there’s a better question: With millions of people desperate to lose weight, why haven’t we figured out a way to make money off them? By the way, you can buy your own slimming tapeworms for $2,000 at WormTherapy.com (no really, just our luck. We waste precious brain cells making shit like this up only for us to learn someone is really doing it. Satire just can’t keep up!)
Back in the days of cavemen — sorry, cave people — sorry, nomadic early humanoids — people would live anywhere they could find food. This is what led the morons to migrate north and south away from the warm lands of Africa. (Let’s face it, our ancestors weren’t too bright, they would’ve walked into a poisonous swamp if there was food down there).
But we know better now, don’t we? Nobody wants to live in the cold climates. We all want to live in the warm tropical countries, just like the lands we first evolved out of.
So, here’s the plan: All humans must live between the Tropic of Cancer and the Tropic of Capricorn. Nobody lives in the cold bits of the planet. Not even to make crop circles!
The obvious benefit of this is that humans would be a lot warmer. And a warm human is a happy human. Think of all the great wars in our history. All started by cold people.
Most importantly, this will solve global warming because with everyone living on the warm strip surrounding the equator, the top third and bottom third of the planet will be untouched by humans, and these lands and oceans will act as the equalizer for the planet’s biosphere. No matter how much we wreck our strip of warm land, the cold bits will remain untouched and equal out the climate.
Plus, it’s a known fact that people in warm climates don’t want to work as much (see: Jamaica, Greece, and anywhere where Cabana boys are unionised) and lazy humans have far less harmful effects on the environment. Case in point: Paris Hilton emits far less emissions when she is resting on a tropical beach.
We’ll take the Nobel prize now. And no ceremonies in Sweden, thank you very much! We’ll be doin’ the drunk limbo in Brazil!
After all, we still have tail-bones but we don’t remove them. What if we’re still evolving and for some reason in the future we will need our appendix? Should we keep them in a frozen vault just in case?
Maybe that’s a stretch, but at least you could keep just one healthy appendix so that it could be cloned in the future. Where’s the harm in that? Haven’t you ever thrown out a pair of jeans or shoes and then realized oh, wait I could’ve used them now. Like Joni Mitchell sang in the ode to her kidney “you don’t know what you got til it’s gone”.
The point is we don’t know for certain what its function is or what it might be, but we shouldn’t rule out the chance that Mother Nature has a plan for it in the future. That’s why it’s vital that you listen to this podcast right now… before you end up bedridden in the hospital with no wi-fi.
(Editor’s note: You’ve got to be kidney me. Can you ex-spleen this idea? I can’t believe you’ve got the gall to submit this, I’d bladder proofread my urethra. Besides, these ideas are immune to laughter because your jokes rectum. I showed them to my assistant and they went right ovaries head. To top it all off this podcast is way to lung, who has the thymus to listen to it? I never thought I’d liver to read such trachea. You’re really testes my nerves. Now just fuck off and diaphragm.)
You can give a Useless Dad like Ned the chance to raise a healthy and happy child for just $35 per month.. OK $20… make it $10… why don’t you just tell us how much you’ve got?
Introduction letter from Useless Dad #3895: Ned from Canada
Hi. My name is Ned and this is Ella. Please hep me and my little girl. I ain’t got no money no job and guvment check. We live in a tent but it gets cold. The wild dogs harass us in da night and steal our eggs. My little girl has been wearing same diper for 6 weeks. She startin’ to smell bad. No wait, dat’s me! MY thanks to Gina for the last donation of tweny bucks. I appreshiate your jenerosity. But I spent it all on beer and smokes. Can I have more pleas? I knew I shoulda went to college…Bye bye.
WHAT MAKES A DAD USELESS?
They forget birthdays. They yell at postmen. They harass ducks. And most importantly they think society owes them everything.
With your help the Committee to Reform Useless Dads (CRUD) is able to aid these losers. With your generous donations and sponsorships, we have been able to assist Useless Dads with the following:
Jobs: Many Useless Dads spend all day drinking and then call into right-wing radio talk shows. Others prefer scaring people in parks. CRUD successfully retrains them by making them pick up our trash, paint our fences, and hide in the bushes when we have a dinner party. ?
Education: Many of our Useless Dads can’t spell worth a damn. But thanks to CRUD many of them now know a pencil from a pretzel. Some write shopping lists. Others have filled out credit card forms, several at a time in fact.
Child care: Useless Dads never get this. They let their babies fester in soiled diapers until someone else comes along and does the job for them. Thanks to CRUD and your support, many have vowed never to have children again.
USELESS DADS FAQ
How does one become a Useless Dad? Is there a future in being a Useless Dad?
Being a Useless Dad takes no effort. In fact, that is the quickest way to being one – just don’t do shit. No, there is no future in being a Useless Dad, unless you want a career in traveling carnivals clearing out horse dung.
In what season do Useless Dads usually succumb??
Summer is worst. They can’t handle driving in the heat because they were too cheap to buy a car with AC. This is when shouting occurs the most.
My daddy used a knife to chisel away at ice in the freezer and he punctured it. Now we need to buy a new one. Is my dad Useless??
No, he is just dim. To be truly Useless he would have left the freezer in a 7-Eleven parking lot and put the food in a wheelbarrow. There is still hope for him. Use the parental control on your TV remote to hide Fox News.
Salam Fayyad, the prime minister of the Palestinian Authority, has never held a gun nor been arrested, which is quite an accomplishment for someone who lives in a ‘hood that last saw peace in 1928 1853 1603 the middle ages 67 A.D 2500 B.C. just a few minutes before Cain found a rock big enough to crush his brother’s skull.
Mr Fayyad’s non-violent approach is an inspiration — heck, even Gandhi wouldn’t have tried his nutty stunt if he had been staring down Mossad rather than a bunch of drooling Brits suffering heat exhaustion.
Fayyad now says that if a Palestinian state does not emerge from negotiations with Israel, the PA will unilaterally declare a state. He may not know how to fire a gun, but he knows how to make some noise! Put aside all the yap-yap and whine-whine (by the way, the yap-yap and whine-whine party starts at 8 sharp) about the Arab-Israeli conflict, and one thing strikes us as odd: the land the Palestinians control is split in two and each bit is so small that the Palestinians air force only uses pogo sticks to hop around. Which gave us an idea. Greek sex! No, wait, that’s a different rant.
Speaking of Greece, the Mediterranean country has much to be proud of. It has given the world the Olympics, souvlaki and, ummm, well, yeah. It had a good run. But its economic crisis is dragging down Europe, and if that happens hilarious cheesy Europop songs will take on a darker tone (think Cheeky Girls as goths). Besides, if the Germans have to bail them out they will have yet another darker-skinned minority to push around, and nobody wants to see that.
Greece had its chance. Palestine never did. So how about a straight swap: Greeks for Palestinians? The Greeks should move to Palestine, the Palestinians to Greece. The Palestinians could then have a shot at running a small country. And with all the fighting and riots in Greece at the moment, they will feel right at home in the warzone that is the mideast. We can just about hear the Israelis lock their front doors and collectively mutter: ‘There goes the neighbourhood.”
(Editor’s note: This story needs an image of a Greek man breaking plates on an Israeli tank. Can we re-run the photo from the Greek Week advertising flyer?)
P.S. HOW TO DECLARE YOUR OWN COUNTRY: 1.) Throw rocks at your oppressors. 2.) Declare allegiance with Hugo Chavez. 3.) Whine at the UN until they put you in the Time Out chamber. 4.) Fill out the form below and send it to Jimmy Carter.
In this episode (sponsored by Tony, who will smash your kneecaps if you don’t listen) we propose a television station just for cats (and the crazy cat ladies who love them); emergency toilets in elevators, cars, and planes; and sex education for teenagers who cannot find a partner who does any of the stuff on internet porn sites, but just lies there and makes you do all the work.
And don’t miss the comic relief of Gerry, the world’s best bigfoot comic!
If your eyes are bothering you, just listen to the file below. And then go to iTunes and subscribe to our podcast.