Remember being a kid and asking your friends if they would do outrageous shit for outrageous amounts of money? And then seeing how low they would go in order to make some cash? It went something like this:
You: Would you suck a guys dick for a million dollars?
Your friend: Fuck ya, I’ll do anything for a million.
You: How about $100,000?
Your friend: Definitely.
Your friend: Yup.
Your friend: Ummm….
You: Wait, are you gay?
Your friend: Well…
You: Awww, crap!
Anyway, we propose turning this fun childhood game into a television game show where people have to bid against each other in order to make some money by degrading themselves. What’s more fun than watching poor people lose their last scraps of self-respect? Nothing, that’s what.
There’s a billion Chinese people yet they still can’t get enough sperm. So they’ve invented this Sperm Extractor to help the cause. The only question is, why does it have to look like a droid from Star Wars?
In this podcast we create not 1, but 2 new religions for you too swallow. First, save your soul with Godism (it deserves to be bolded up!), the religion with the motto “Let God Handle It.” We believe that if there is a God, it’s His job is to worry about all the shit down here on Earth, so we don’t have to. Kind of like having an all-powerful landlord you can harass to do things for you, but he’s not so creepy.
Is your soul full yet? If not, try Momism, the religion that worships God’s mom, the mom of the Universe. After all, it’s only human nature that when we have a problem we run to mommy.
For a limited time, we’ll let you join both for the introductory price of $9.99 a month. This is the cheapest religion ever created. Get yours today, in case you die tomorrow.
In our society if we want to watch a movie we have to pay big bucks and be forced the watch the whole thing even if it is crap just to get our money’s worth. That sucks. What is this Russia?! Why can’t we have a system where we pay more the longer we sit in a cinema and watch a movie? If it’s terrible like say … I dunno, anything by Adam Sandler, we walk out and only pay a couple bucks, if it’s good (Adam Sandler is the man!) and we stay until the end, we pay more. It’s the parking metres system for movies!
Why hasn’t some NHL team ever hired the biggest, fattest sumo wrestler on Earth to play goal for them?
Or one of those 800 pound people where you have to cut a wall out of the house to get them out and move them around with a crane. Slap on 50 pounds of goalie gear and there is no way anyone could score on them.
Killing two birds with one stone
The other big problem in hockey is figuring out how to break a tie, since everybody hates leaving any sporting event that doesn’t have a clear winner or clear loser. They’ve tried a variety of different tactics but there just isn’t nearly enough entertainment value in overtimes and shootouts. But this gives us the perfect amusing solution.
If a hockey game ends in a tie, the two wrestlers have a 3 minute sumo match at center ice. And to make it even more fun, we replace the sumo rules with hockey fight rules… which is kind of like ultimate fighting but we won’t ban eye gouging and crotch slamming.
How come poor people can’t afford food but they all have smartphones? We may never know the answer to that question, but here’s one we can answer: How are you going to help out the homeless if you don’t carry cash and you can’t swipe your Visa card on their foreheads? Here’s how: the Panhandler App.
It’s now a fact that children who grow up in pristinely clean environments do not develop a strong enough immune system to handle today’s tough illnesses like laziness and not flushing the toilet.
So every time you parents nag your wee ones to use an anti-bacterial body wash, non-GMO dish soup, dy-free laundry detergent, or spray-on tan you are putting your young ones closer to death. Good job!
But of course we have the solution. 100% Pure Vitamin Dirt, filled with every conceivable yucky bacterial bug you can find in a sandbox or school lunch potluck. Just one Vitamin Dirt capsule with breakfast, lunch and dinner will pump up your young one’s immune system so you can rest assured that AIDS won’t faze your son and breast cancer will find some other young woman’s tits, instead of your precious daughter. Isn’t that worth $19.99 a jar?
Unless you’re a fat teenager or depressed divorcee you’re probably sick of eating the garbage that passes for “meat” at the fast food joints. This is why veggie “burgers” are such a growing industry. Well, growing only in the petri-dish sense, not economically because so many have fallen off the menus.
Why haven’t the fast food joints ever figured this out? Back in the ’90s they tried all sorts of non-meat options but they all had the same flaw. They assumed that anyone who wants to eat a veggie-burger must be an anorexic yoga teacher so they tried to force-feed us a monstrosity served on a hard, dry whole-wheat bun with low-fat mayo, no cheese and piles of cold, wet, wilting veggies. Tastes like shit.
Why can’t those crap-food joint just replace the meat patty with a veggie patty but keep all the flavourful extras the way they are? That way a Big Mac would be just as sloppy but you wouldn’t be eating diseased cow flesh. And a Whopper would still be overloaded with ketchup and mayo but you wouldn’t have to eat any cow eyeballs and knees cartilage.
Honestly, it shouldn’t be that difficult to have a tasty veggie burger that does not have gay sprouts! If the pizza companies can squirt soft cheese into the crust of pizzas (because evidently there’s a surging demand from pizza lovers to do something once and for all about that wasted space that is the crust of a pizza!), and if food companies actually have something called a ‘flavour enhancer’ on the list of ingredients, then surely a decent veggie burger can’t outwit the brainiacs who thought up cheeseburger in a can (Yes, it exists … incidentally so do the Kardashians so there’s two reasons proving God does not exist).
People are suckers for the latest exercise craze (yesterday it was the yoga ball, today it’s the ab chair — what’s next, the yoga twig?!) Yet everyone is cashing in on it except us.
Next week some city out there is going to yank out all the seats in a bus and replace them with yoga matts. “Why sit there doing nothing, when you can exercise your way to work/school/bank machine,” they’ll say, while jacking up the price of a bus fare. Regular bus, $2.75. Yoga Bus $22.95.
Well, we’re not one for being left behind trends (we got rid of our acid wash jeans way before anyone else did!) BrilliantOrStupid.com is proud to present the Fat-loss Spatula. This state-of-the-art ergonomically designed kitchen tool, specially engineered by people wearing white suits and talking formally, has been ‘proven’ to help you lose weight.
It’s also good for colonic irrigations too! Only $54.99 plus taxes, shipping and other fees. Buy one today! Buy two and we promise not to display any more pictures of fat men on this blog. [Editor’s Note: hey, fat men are our best customers, can you retract that statement?]
The US military has begun testing a suit of full-body armour made out of bibles. “You know how Hollywood movies always have a scene where a soldier’s life is saved because he kept a bible in his pocket in the exact spot where he was shot? We normally don’t take our cue from Hollywood films on this, except for maybe this and when we trained dolphins to attack foreign whales, but we figured we have a big budget and need to spend it all on something so we’ll try it out.”
The bibles were baptized before testing began to cleanse them of any evil, then stitched on to the uniform of specially-trained soldiers. ”We hear the Taliban are creating a suit of armour made out of the Koran. Well, we’ll see which army God loves most,” said the general.
Kids have it way too easy these days. Their moms drive them to school. They get to cheeseburgers and free porn is available on every computer — honestly, they have no idea how hard it is to sneak off with your dad’s Playboy! They’re spoilt rotten.
So how are we going to nip their sense of entitlement in the bud? Maybe instead of giving in to demands for a summer vacation at Disneyland we should send them somewhere to teach them some appreciation.
That’s why we need Dangerland: a replica of the the suburbs, circa 1979, where you can ride your bike in traffic without a helmet; perform dangerous errands like cleaning a neighbour’s gutters for a tepid glass of lemonade; try to outrun gangs of older kids on 10 speeds who beat the snot out of you; where the only thing ‘organic’ is the boogers in the processed cheeseburger; and you get beaten or hit on by your drunk teachers (depending on if you’re a boy or a girl). Ah, the good ol’ days…
You can give a Useless Dad like Ned the chance to raise a healthy and happy child for just $35 per month.. OK $20… make it $10… why don’t you just tell us how much you’ve got?
Introduction letter from Useless Dad #3895: Ned from Canada
Hi. My name is Ned and this is Ella. Please hep me and my little girl. I ain’t got no money no job and guvment check. We live in a tent but it gets cold. The wild dogs harass us in da night and steal our eggs. My little girl has been wearing same diper for 6 weeks. She startin’ to smell bad. No wait, dat’s me! MY thanks to Gina for the last donation of tweny bucks. I appreshiate your jenerosity. But I spent it all on beer and smokes. Can I have more pleas? I knew I shoulda went to college…Bye bye.
WHAT MAKES A DAD USELESS?
They forget birthdays. They yell at postmen. They harass ducks. And most importantly they think society owes them everything.
With your help the Committee to Reform Useless Dads (CRUD) is able to aid these losers. With your generous donations and sponsorships, we have been able to assist Useless Dads with the following: Jobs: Many Useless Dads spend all day drinking and then call into right-wing radio talk shows. Others prefer scaring people in parks. CRUD successfully retrains them by making them pick up our trash, paint our fences, and hide in the bushes when we have a dinner party. ?
Education: Many of our Useless Dads can’t spell worth a damn. But thanks to CRUD many of them now know a pencil from a pretzel. Some write shopping lists. Others have filled out credit card forms, several at a time in fact.
Child care: Useless Dads never get this. They let their babies fester in soiled diapers until someone else comes along and does the job for them. Thanks to CRUD and your support, many have vowed never to have children again.
USELESS DADS FAQ How does one become a Useless Dad? Is there a future in being a Useless Dad?
Being a Useless Dad takes no effort. In fact, that is the quickest way to being one – just don’t do shit. No, there is no future in being a Useless Dad, unless you want a career in traveling carnivals clearing out horse dung.
In what season do Useless Dads usually succumb??
Summer is worst. They can’t handle driving in the heat because they were too cheap to buy a car with AC. This is when shouting occurs the most.
My daddy used a knife to chisel away at ice in the freezer and he punctured it. Now we need to buy a new one. Is my dad Useless??
No, he is just dim. To be truly Useless he would have left the freezer in a 7-Eleven parking lot and put the food in a wheelbarrow. There is still hope for him. Use the parental control on your TV remote to hide Fox News.
Alright boys and girls it’s time for another round of brilliant ideas to help you get rich quick or go broke fast. In this episode we propose Shitbook.com, teach you how to win gold at the Olympics, invent an app you don’t need, and start the next viral dance sensation.
Go ask your grandchildren how YouTube works and then watch this:
Can’t stand our ugly mugs? Just listen to the mp3 below. Or go to iTunes and subscribe to our podcast, you lazy mofo.
In this episode (sponsored by Tony, who will smash your kneecaps if you don’t listen) we propose a television station just for cats (and the crazy cat ladies who love them); emergency toilets in elevators, cars, and planes; and sex education for teenagers who cannot find a partner who does any of the stuff on internet porn sites, but just lies there and makes you do all the work.
And don’t miss the comic relief of Gerry, the world’s best bigfoot comic!
If your eyes are bothering you, just listen to the file below. And then go to iTunes and subscribe to our podcast.