Monthly Archives: November 2015

Pay-as-you-go movies and popcorn

In our society if we want to watch a movie we have to pay big bucks and be forced the watch the whole thing even if it is crap just to get our money’s worth. That sucks. What is this Russia?! Why can’t we have a system where we pay more the longer we sit in a cinema and watch a movie? If it’s terrible like say … I dunno, anything by Adam Sandler, we walk out and only pay a couple bucks, if it’s good (Adam Sandler is the man!) and we stay until the end, we pay more. It’s the parking metres system for movies!

How to Get Your Fat Kid into Sports

Why hasn’t some NHL team ever hired the biggest, fattest sumo wrestler on Earth to play goal for them?

Or one of those 800 pound people where you have to cut a wall out of the house to get them out and move them around with a crane. Slap on 50 pounds of goalie gear and there is no way anyone could score on them.

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Killing two birds with one stone

The other big problem in hockey is figuring out how to break a tie, since everybody hates leaving any sporting event that doesn’t have a clear winner or clear loser. They’ve tried a variety of different tactics but there just isn’t nearly enough entertainment value in overtimes and shootouts. But this gives us the perfect amusing solution.

If a hockey game ends in a tie, the two wrestlers have a 3 minute sumo match at center ice. And to make it even more fun, we replace the sumo rules with hockey fight rules… which is kind of like ultimate fighting but we won’t ban eye gouging and crotch slamming.

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Take a vacation. Go to Hell. Put it on TV.

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Thanks to specialty TV channels there are now a billion travel guide TV shows and while that’s generally a good thing, the problem is that they all gush over the destinations as if every city/country/village in the world (except, of course, the one you live in) is a fascinating place worthy of your few valuable days off work each year. It’s just like travel magazines and travel blogs — one lyrical phrase describing paradise on Earth after another. We call bullshit on that.

So how about this? A TV show/website/magazine/flyer-on-your-windshield called “Don’t Go There” which gives you an accurate assessment (well, still biased but in a different way) of places where you definitely don’t want to waste your money. Along with the obvious places which are probably too dangerous for normal middle-class first-worlders (Iraq, Afghanistan, Whitehorse) the show could also tackle blatant tourist traps where you will lose your savings (Disneyworld, any cruise line) and charming countries that were once exotic but are now overrun by obnoxious college kids maxing out their first credit card (I’m looking at you, Thailand).

Brother, can you spare an app?

How come poor people can’t afford food but they all have smartphones? We may never know the answer to that question, but here’s one we can answer: How are you going to help out the homeless if you don’t carry cash and you can’t swipe your Visa card on their foreheads? Here’s how: the Panhandler App.

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Support our sponsors! Buy 100% Organic Vitamin Dirt

vitamindirt
It’s now a fact that children who grow up in pristinely clean environments do not develop a strong enough immune system to handle today’s tough illnesses like laziness and not flushing the toilet.

So every time you parents nag your wee ones to use an anti-bacterial body wash, non-GMO dish soup, dy-free laundry detergent, or spray-on tan you are putting your young ones closer to death. Good job!

But of course we have the solution. 100% Pure Vitamin Dirt, filled with every conceivable yucky bacterial bug you can find in a sandbox or school lunch potluck. Just one Vitamin Dirt capsule with breakfast, lunch and dinner will pump up your young one’s immune system so you can rest assured that AIDS won’t faze your son and breast cancer will find some other young woman’s tits, instead of your precious daughter. Isn’t that worth $19.99 a jar?