Monthly Archives: August 2015

Too many coffees available to public, Coffee Council warns

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This cafe is open late to assist those patrons who are still reading all the menus

The World Coffee Council has warned people have too many choices for hot caffeinated beverages.

“Our menu boards are at capacity,” said a board member. “We need more funding from governments  to build larger menu boards or we will have to cut certain drinks.”

“Innovation is vital to us,” said one barrista stroking his goatee. “Only 20 years ago consumers had two choices: regular and decaf. Now we have new ones being invented all the time by Starbucks headquarters and they all cost more too.”

“We are opening a second location next door just to house the menu,” he added in between passing out flyers for his band’s latest gig. “You’ll go next door, figure out what you want to order, then come in and order. Also, we are implementing a new express line for drinks with 9 adjectives or less. We are currently doing market research on whether hyphenated coffee-adjectives (we call them “cafectives”) will count as one or two in the express lane. So, does a tall wet double extra-hot latte in a grande cup squeeze in to the express line or not? I can’t answer that. Seriously,  I can’t — it says so in my employee manual.”

Meanwhile, a global consortium of tea barons have called for limits on fancy coffee drinks’ names with a proposed “cap and trade” system whereby each consumer is allowed to order a drink with up to 5 words for the regular price but will have to give to poorer nations without Starbucks for extra options such as syrups and whip cream.

Freezing Canadians in push to merge with Haiti

When Americans get too old to be cold they move to Florida and Hawaii. When Canadians get too old to be cold they are put on sheets of ice and sent to Baffin Island. It just doesn’t seem fair. So we suggest a partnership with a small poverty-stricken nation that happens to be blessed with miles of sun-soaked beaches.

We made some calls but even the most desperate of them hung up when they heard we were from Canada. Except one: Haiti. Canadians get to escape the frozen tundra without any bureaucratic nightmares to ruin their retirements and Haitians are welcome to fill out the under-populated towns of northern Saskatchewan. Bring the whole family,  there’s lots of room. Besides,  our nation is experiencing a severe shortage of witch doctors.

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