Monthly Archives: July 2015

Orangutans dominate Big Brother Zoo

By Michael MacLeod, Deadline Press & Picture Agency, 17/12/08, 07970216685.  With pics  THE Scottish firm that built the Big Brother house has gone bust.  Liquidators have been called in to wind up Woodco of Caithness, which had six workers.  Despite a “fairly full” order book, husband and wife team Bob and Sylvia Crane were forced to stop trading amid rising trading costs.
Orangutans: 98% human, 2% ape shit

A group of cheeky orangutans has won the 18th season of Big Brother Zoo edition against their human cousins. The orangutans beat Team Hygiene on all tasks including gossiping, throwing temper tantrums, and having sex in the backyard.

“Ooh-ooh! Orangutan win!, Orangutan win Big Brother! Ahh-ooh!” exclaimed Koko ‘the Monkey’ Chanel.  “We beat humans, says TV lady in shiny suit. She say orangutan team won jump-jump contest! And we good-good on finger paints and singing Christmas hymn sing song.”

Executive producer Liz McMuffin made the hasty announcement: “The orangutans won the Big Brother Zoo edition … Please do not touch me … No, I don’t want a banana. No that is my hair. Please, stop. Stop. Stop! FRED, GET THE HOSE!”

Network executives at ABC (the Ape Banana Co-operative) announced the next edition of Big Brother Zoo will begin shooting as soon as they can find enough humans willing to endure the feces throwing that has become the signature move of Team Primate. Word is Lady Gaga is eager to compete. “I’ll just take their crap and make a new outfit out of it,” she told herself in the mirror.

 

Coma Air — the world’s quietest airline

coma-air-copy

Customer: Hi, I’d like a return ticket to Paris.

Airline sales agent: Certainly, however, I am required to disclose there are extra charges for luggage.

Customer: Yeah, figured there might be.

Sales agent: Did I say luggage? I meant legroom. And meals. And beverages, though water is complimentary with a purchase from our duty free cart, if you pay with hard currency, like the Renminbi.

Customer: Anything else?

Sales agent: I can book you on a December 11 flight leaving at –

Customer: It’s only June. I’d like to leave before that!

Sales agent: I’m sorry, sir, but due to a restructuring many of our aircraft have been switched over to our sister airline, Coma Air.

Customer: Coma wha–?

Sales agent: It is a new and improved version of a no-frills airline. You get a bed –

Customer: A bed? Wow, what’s the catch?

Sales agent: Well, there’s no television screen, but you won’t even notice it because you will be in… in our care.

Customer: Eh?

Sales agent: We induce comas into all our passengers. You ’sleep’ the entire journey. We wake you when we land. Side effects include very dangerous–

Customer: That’s mental, who would do such a thing?

Sales agent: Well, there are other benefits. For example, you could enjoy a two-for-one liposuction special of your double chin on your way to Paris. And if there is a plane crash you won’t even notice. Painless death!

Customer: But what if I have to change airplanes?

Sales agent: We only offer non-stop service now due to a few… um, things being misplaced.

Customer: You misplaced some people?

Sales agent: Our lawyers are trying to determine whether they could be classified as ‘people’. Did I mention the price includes 400 reward points that can be used for souvenirs at the Louvre?

Customer: Sold!