The US military has begun testing a suit of full-body armour made out of bibles. “You know how Hollywood movies always have a scene where a soldier’s life is saved because he kept a bible in his pocket in the exact spot where he was shot? We normally don’t take our cue from Hollywood films on this, except for maybe this and when we trained dolphins to attack foreign whales, but we figured we have a big budget and need to spend it all on something so we’ll try it out.”
The bibles were baptized before testing began to cleanse them of any evil, then stitched on to the uniform of specially-trained soldiers. ”We hear the Taliban are creating a suit of armour made out of the Koran. Well, we’ll see which army God loves most,” said the general.
Every spring during earnings season, the Swiss people celebrate the harvesting of banks’ profits. Across the land, bankers on balconies throw candy to children below. Street parties are held in every town and parades make their way from holy ATMs to the insides of sacred vaults. Later, couples snuggle under balance sheets. At midnight mass, the banking regulator conducts the longest prayer in the world. And finally, a communist is sacrificed to appease the Gods.
The world should take a page out of the Swiss playbook and embrace banking, but for a different purpose. If Hollywood films are right (and let’s face it they were right about killer sharks and Scientologists) then this galaxy’s leading alien empires will someday gear up for a major battle. And when that happens, we Earthlingians need a strategy.
That’s why we came up with the safest, most profitable war plan of all: sit it out. How? Easy, be their banker. If we play our cards right Earth could be this galaxy’s version of the Swiss during World War II, who turned a blind eye to war crimes in exchange for being allowed to play with all the Nazi gold.
Every empire needs help stashing the loot they ransack during their campaigns and what better place to do it than on a planet that has not seen a world war for at least 65 years. It’s easy — we promise them a lavish 0.0002% return on their investment (and a free Tibet with every new account) and they promise not to feed us to their young.