Monthly Archives: March 2015

US military begins tests on Bible armour

range-copy
Private Edmonds stands by his decision to criticise his commanding officer

The US military has begun testing a suit of full-body armour made out of bibles. “You know how Hollywood movies always have a scene where a soldier’s life is saved because he kept a bible in his pocket in the exact spot where he was shot? We normally don’t take our cue from Hollywood films on this, except for maybe this and when we trained dolphins to attack foreign whales, but we figured we have a big budget and need to spend it all on something so we’ll try it out.”

The bibles were baptized before testing began to cleanse them of any evil, then stitched on to the uniform of specially-trained soldiers. ”We hear the Taliban are creating a suit of armour made out of the Koran. Well, we’ll see which army God loves most,” said the general.

 

First Galactic Bank of Aliens

bank_of_alien3-copyEvery spring during earnings season, the Swiss people celebrate the harvesting of banks’ profits. Across the land, bankers on balconies throw candy to children below. Street parties are held in every town and parades make their way from holy ATMs to the insides of sacred vaults. Later, couples snuggle under balance sheets. At midnight mass, the banking regulator conducts the longest prayer in the world. And finally, a communist is sacrificed to appease the Gods.

The world should take a page out of the Swiss playbook and embrace banking, but for a different purpose. If Hollywood films are right (and let’s face it they were right about killer sharks and Scientologists) then this galaxy’s leading alien empires will someday gear up for a major battle. And when that happens, we Earthlingians need a strategy.

That’s why we came up with the safest, most profitable war plan of all: sit it out. How? Easy, be their banker. If we play our cards right Earth could be this galaxy’s version of the Swiss during World War II, who turned a blind eye to war crimes in exchange for being allowed to play with all the Nazi gold.

Every empire needs help stashing  the loot they ransack during their campaigns and what better place to do it than on a planet that has not seen a world war for at least 65 years. It’s easy — we promise them a lavish 0.0002% return on their investment  (and a free Tibet with every new account) and  they promise not to feed us to their young.

 

Searching for God? There’s an app for that

religion-app-copyOur Father, who art in electronics shop

hallowed be thy domain name

Thy kingdom come in and browse.

Thy will be done, for a price*

On earth as it is in cyberspace.

Give us this day our daily app.

And forgive us our porn trespasses,

As we forgive those who Facebook tag us.

And lead us not into temptation (see above),

But deliver us from hefty fees

For thine is the special offer,

and the power of the battery that lasts oh, so long,

and the glory (did we mention the porn?)

for ever and ever. Until the next generation comes out

Amen.

(*please allow 4-6 weeks for service)