Monthly Archives: February 2015

The evolution of Hooters: less ass, more class

Evolution has a funny way of working: man came from apes, but while apes are still smart enough to subsist on healthy bananas, men stuff their faces with wings and nachos. They don’t even like nachos (let’s face facts: anything with green onions on it is technically a salad), but it’s a great excuse to ogle waitresses in their natural habitat.

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When waitresses bend over in this restaurant you might have to help them back up

An ape would never demean himself like that. If he needs sex he’ll grab the first ass sticking up in the air and it’s over. If evolution continues like this men will soon be begging for sex (oh, damn. Evolution has already won).

At least there’s one place knuckle-draggers can go to feel like a man: Hooters. Unfortunately, the thrill of a side of supersized mammaries with your un-chicken-like buffalo wings wears off after about 3 minutes (about the time heart burn sets in). And as soon as your top-heavy server struggles to speak beyond one-syllable chirps you realize that bimbos should be left to roam free in libraries where they will slowly develop self-esteem for future generations. So where do you go when you want to meet a woman who has read something more challenging than her horoscope?

My friend, we have the answer. A new establishment called Cougars. Come on in, the first order of emasculation-infused herbal tea is on us.

Squeegee Kids go corporate

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Squeegee Pro works the ‘red light’ district

Squeegee kids are clearly not professional. Everything about them is amateur: the dreadlocks, the nose rings, the lack of a decent pension plan. They could use some professional guidance, say in the form of a pimp or a corporation that could exploit them in exchange for minimum wage and a vest emblazoned with advertising.  Just think of how much brighter their outlook would be in life if they could be a one-stop shop for all drivers’ needs!

We asked our gullible intern David (name will be changed later to protect the ignorant) and he immediately rewrote his resume in crayon in hopes of snagging a new gig. He wrote on a paper napkin: “If I was a squeegee kid, I’d be the best. I’d have the cleanerest uniform. I be have the most awesomest squeegee. I’d be polite and profeshinal, ya’sir. I’d have one of those portable payment gizmos so you can buy concert tickets or pay bills and I’d sell beverages, tissues, chips, spray-on tan lotion — everyone would love me!”

Can big dumb beasts do comedy? Kevin James says yes

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The Dinosaur Defence League is crying foul over another airing of a dinosaur documentary that the group claims only showed the extinct creatures in a negative light.

“Last night’s episode of Dinosaurs Behaving Normally’ was racist and discriminatory. Why is it every time I turn on the TV to watch a dinosaur documentary the graceful triceratops is always shown jabbing its horns at another dinosaur? It’s typical media sensationalism!” said Terry Dacktyl, president of the Dinosaur Defence League.

“TV never shows the positive side of dinosaurs, like how they loved, laughed, cried together, and farted in each other’s faces.”

The TV network responded: “The documentary in question was screened prior to airing by our anti-discrimination committee, which concluded it was a fair and accurate assessment of dinosaur culture, especially given that the program included examples of dinosaurs being active in their communities.”

The DDL’s Terry Dacktyl said he fears people will always unfairly view dinosaurs as violent: “Sharks have killed more people than dinosaurs ever have. That’s a fact!”

Your pet probably hates you. Especially if it’s a man-eater

 

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Do ferocious beasts make good pets? It’s human nature to force another species to submit to our will purely for our enjoyment (how else do we explain internet clips of cats crapping in toilets?). But most wild animals would, if asked using the closest language to the animal kingdom we have which is Ewok bibble-babble, be shocked that you’d yank them out of the wild.

Actually, shocked isn’t strong enough a word: think Cujo on crack.  Now give him a reason to go after your nuts. There. Got that mental image? Good, now you have a sense of how angry these animals must feel when they get trapped and sold for our amusement. No wonder then that some fight back against their two-legged masters, as was the case recently in Ontario when a man’s pet tiger mauled him to death. (Editor’s note: See, Canada’s not so boring.)

So why do it? Is it simply because we love the feeling of caressing a bit of soft fur? (Editor’s note: Steady…)Probably not because many people own snakes, lizards and shellfish as pets and evolution has clearly not caught up with them yet so the cuteness factor is only part of the reason.

If you have a pet tiger, elephant or Inuit are you just showing off? Or maybe some people get off doing dangerous things. That’s quite possible but then how many of those same people go parachuting, sumo wrestling or engage in bar fights with husky transvestites named Corky? We bet most don’t. In fact, most wild animals are kept in secure pens anyway, so it’s not like you could take a lion to your cafe, or throw a stick in a park and tell him to fetch it — and we know why, because he’d come back belching from devouring your neighbour’s purebred shitzu.

The short answer is these wild animals are trouble: they can’t be toilet trained, they’ll cut you to pieces if you feed them anything less than osso bucco and really, who’d want to face the prospect of being mauled when it comes time to take out an agitated beast’s litterbox?