Kids have it way too easy these days. Their moms drive them to school. They get to cheeseburgers and free porn is available on every computer — honestly, they have no idea how hard it is to sneak off with your dad’s Playboy! They’re spoilt rotten.
So how are we going to nip their sense of entitlement in the bud? Maybe instead of giving in to demands for a summer vacation at Disneyland we should send them somewhere to teach them some appreciation.
That’s why we need Dangerland: a replica of the the suburbs, circa 1979, where you can ride your bike in traffic without a helmet; perform dangerous errands like cleaning a neighbour’s gutters for a tepid glass of lemonade; try to outrun gangs of older kids on 10 speeds who beat the snot out of you; where the only thing ‘organic’ is the boogers in the processed cheeseburger; and you get beaten or hit on by your drunk teachers (depending on if you’re a boy or a girl). Ah, the good ol’ days…
School doesn’t teach real life skills, so how do you know if the person in the next cubicle is capable of making microwave popcorn without burning down the kitchen?
You don’t, obviously. In fact, if you’re about to hire new staff make sure they can perform this vital office function.
But we digress: the point of this pointless podcast is that people should be forced to prove that anyone old enough to be entrusted with a set of keys can perform simple day-to-day tasks before they are allowed out in public.
While those dynamic go-getters at the motor vehicle branch are quizzing people eager to get their driver’s license, why not spend an extra 20 minutes and make the public perform some other stupid human tricks?
THE BRILLIANT OR STUPID “LICENSE TO ENGAGE OTHER HUMANS” TEST INCLUDES THESE VITAL SKILLS:
Can you drink more than 2 beers without arguing with the cat?
Can you talk on your phone at a decibel level lower than a slightly-deaf Chinese lady?
Can you hold a conversation about anything other than the latest reality TV show?
Can you wait more than 1.7 seconds after the light has turned green before you slam your foot down on the pedal and start screaming hysterically?
Can you clean up your dog’s shit? Yes, we know the sidewalk is technically city property but the fumes are annoying the hospital patients.
What’s the deal with the Olympics? Do we really need dozens of events to figure out which nation rules? Before the invention of television warring tribes would settle their differences with a one-day game of fiery dodgeball. That was it. After they cleared the grounds and buried the dead, they went on with their daily lives of hunting, gathering and witchhunting. You never saw a warrior chief challenged to a ping-pong match.
But now companies are so eager to cash in on sport that they invent new ones all the time. How else do you explain curling, water polo, badminton and Celebrity Apprentice?
The other problem is the weather. If you’re an elite athlete you train for four years just so you can suffer heat exhaustion in some smoggy hotspot or freeze your ass off on some icefield somewhere. Why not combine the summer and winter Olympics — call it the Wimmer Olympics — and hold it in during the mild days of spring? That way all the sports can be combined into fewer, but yet more exciting events. Plus, we would only have to suffer through the emasculating exercise of watching gorgeous buff athletes highlight the fact that we are useless slobs to our wives/girlfriends only once every four years.
Best of all, it’d give us a break from sport and give us time to read a book for once. Oh, who are we kidding — you’d just use that free time to surf for ever more deviant porn. Hmmm… Deviant Porn Surfing, now there’s a Wimmer Olympic event we’ve got a shot in. Bring it on, Estonia!