Monthly Archives: June 2014

Hyperlink hysteria! Man sues websites for too many links

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A man who once complained of too many toppings on pizzas has turned his attention to the interland. Jeremy Fullstop says today’s websites have too many hyperlinks to other websites andweb pages that it is now physically impossible to navigate around a page without inadvertently clicking on a link and having the browser sent elsewhere.

“They’re so desperate to climb up Google’s rankings that they’ll link to anything, anywhere,” he said, while exercising his fingers. “Look, if I want  to go back to the top of this page, where do I click? How? See, if I go here — oh, there we go again. Great, now I’ve gone to another miracle cure diet site!”

Mystic healer Shu Away-Foo agreed: “The Chinese have ancient saying about this. There may be one loaf of bread, but 24 slices in that loaf. How can you pick the right slice? You can’t. It’s impossible.”

Worst idea yet — the sober blog post

Many prominent figures throughout history were able to wax poetically whilst drunk. John F Kennedy famously uttered the phrase “Ich ben ein Berliner”, which everyone assumed he was trying to say “I am a Berliner” in German. But the truth is  he was really quite tanked up and was trying to grab the last triangle sandwich when he slurred: “Itshh mine, the baloney!”

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US President John F Kennedy threatens to throw his sandwich at the Soviet delegation during the Bay of Ham crisis.

Here are some more examples:

Napolean Bonaparte: “A Constitution should be short and obscure.” A Constitution was his favourite drink, which he concealed with one hand inside his jacket.

Winston Churchill: “Without a measureless and perpetual uncertainty, the drama of human life would be destroyed.” This famous quote is the world’s first drunk riddle. Nobody has ever figured it out.

Walt Whitman: “Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.” Clearly he was off his arse and said this before challenging a patron in a bar to an arm wrestle.

Oscar Wilde: “At every single moment of one’s life, one is going to be no less than what one has been.” Sure, it sounds elegant, but did you know he got this from a phone psychic who he dialed up for advice and witticisms whenever he was hammered?

Muhammed Ali: “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.” If ever there was a more poetic description of the effects of alcoholism we have yet to hear it.

Libyan leader Colonel Gaddafi: “We are capable of destroying America and breaking its nose.” Too easy. Gaddafi hasn’t been sober since he started getting drunk on power in 1969.

Ah, such sweet, wonderful drunk talk. Too bad you’re not going to get any of it here, because we lack gravitas, talent and wit. But at least we get an A for effort. With that in mind, we forced our two interns to perform a podcast while BEING SOBER. Shocking, but true. It sucks.