Monthly Archives: November 2011

We just solved Global Warming — let’s party in Jamaica

Back in the days of cavemen — sorry, cave people — sorry, nomadic early humanoids — people would live anywhere they could find food. This is what led the morons to migrate north and south away from the warm lands of Africa. (Let’s face it, our ancestors weren’t too bright, they would’ve walked into a poisonous swamp if there was food down there).

sugarbearsays1But we know better now, don’t we? Nobody wants to live in the cold climates. We all want to live in the warm tropical countries, just like the lands we first evolved out of.

So, here’s the plan: All humans must live between the Tropic of Cancer and the Tropic of Capricorn. Nobody lives in the cold bits of the planet. Not even to make crop circles!

The obvious benefit of this is that humans would be a lot warmer. And a warm human is a happy human. Think of all the great wars in our history. All started by cold people.

Most importantly, this will solve global warming because with everyone living on the warm strip surrounding the equator, the top third and bottom third of the planet will be untouched by humans, and these lands and oceans will act as the equalizer for the planet’s biosphere. No matter how much we wreck our strip of warm land, the cold bits will remain untouched and equal out the climate.

Plus, it’s a known fact that people in warm climates don’t want to work as much (see: Jamaica, Greece, and anywhere where Cabana boys are unionised) and lazy humans have far less harmful effects on the environment. Case in point: Paris Hilton emits far less emissions when she is resting on a tropical beach.

We’ll take the Nobel prize now. And no ceremonies in Sweden, thank you very much! We’ll be doin’ the drunk limbo in Brazil!

Don’t donate your organs, hoard them

This photo of an appendix didn’t do well with the market research group so we’ve included something more pleasant below. Kind of like cleansing the palate of your vision after seeing the first pic

boobs2Doctors have been known to remove your appendix without asking (it’s under “Miscellaneous” on your hospital bill). But what if we need them in the future?

After all, we still have tail-bones but we don’t remove them. What if we’re still evolving and for some reason in the future we will need our appendix? Should we keep them in a frozen vault just in case?

Maybe that’s a stretch, but at least you could keep just one healthy appendix so that it could be cloned in the future. Where’s the harm in that? Haven’t you ever thrown out a pair of jeans or shoes and then realized oh, wait I could’ve used them now. Like Joni Mitchell sang in the ode to her kidney “you don’t know what you got til it’s gone”.

The point is we don’t know for certain what its function is or what it might be, but we shouldn’t rule out the chance that Mother Nature has a plan for it in the future. That’s why it’s vital that you listen to this podcast right now… before you end up bedridden in the hospital with no wi-fi.

(Editor’s note: You’ve got to be kidney me. Can you ex-spleen this idea? I can’t believe you’ve got the gall to submit this, I’d bladder proofread my urethra. Besides, these ideas are immune to laughter because your jokes rectum. I showed them to my assistant and they went right ovaries head.  To top it all off this podcast is way to lung, who has the thymus to listen to it? I never thought I’d liver to read such trachea. You’re really testes my nerves. Now just fuck off and diaphragm.)